Having been through a divorce and various breakups, my own and friend’s, I know that we choose sides. I’ve chosen sides. I’ve had people choose for and against me. It’s human nature, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck.
Sometimes the friend is yours from start and that’s the natural position, to leave with what you brought. Sometimes you realize your friend is the problem, for both you and the other person. Sometimes you don’t have to choose sides.
In a perfect world you don’t have to choose. You can amicably agree that this is not meant to be and walk off into your own sunset. Sadly though, usually someone feelings are hurt, someone’s upset, someone has to be the bad guy and friends feel like they have to choose sides.
With divorce and break up’s being more than norm, than the exception to the rule these days, people feel more and more like they have to take sides. What do you say, or how do you say to your friends, I don’t want you to choose. I want you to be friends with both of us.
With technology, there are so many new wrinkles to this question. Now, not only do you have to choose whether you see this person in the real world, you have to choose whether or not to be “friends” online. It’s not even OK to “like”your friends’ ex because you took your friend’s side.
I find this all so disappointing and disheartening. Friends should be valued, treasured and savored. Life is too short to create rifts and angst where there is none. We are all multi faceted and are different things to different people. Why not embrace that?
I’d love to know your thoughts and experiences you have had. Would you do things differently? What did you say to your friends?
Lula Harp 
We’ve only had one instance where we remained friends with both people in a couple that divorced. Every other time, we’ve chosen the side of the long-term friend, that we knew prior to the marriage. It’s sad to say, but my wife and I and one other couple are the only ones of our “group” that hasn’t divorced, at least once. And the other couple is going through a big-time Challenge after my friends wife had an affair last year. They’re still together, but it’s precarious at best. I think it’s common to choose a side.
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I commend you on your long marriage. In our parents generation they stuck out relationships and friendships, no matter what. While that wasn’t necessarily always the best choice, it’s interesting to me how our relationships, like our technology, have become disposable. It’s too easy to just throw things and people away. It’s like we take their relationship ending as an opportunity to end an unwanted relationship ourselves. That thought depresses me even more, because if I wanted that relationship to end so easily, then it wasn’t a genuine relationship to begin with.
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Our marriage has been long not because we’re perfect, but because we’re perfect for each other. Those trials we’ve faced were certainly real and significant, but our love for each other trumps any obstacles we’ve faced. Same goes for when a long-term friend divorces. My loyalty lies with the friend, not their ex spouse. Hell, sometimes, I didn’t particularly like their spouse anyway. 😃
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Oh boy- do I know what you mean! I actually got some old friends back when I got divorced
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Hahaha! I totally get it. Sometimes it’s like, “I feel bad for you, but thank god she’s gone!”. 😃
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🤣
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I went through this recently with a couple I had known about 8 years. I was equal friends with both, but in different spheres- she was part of a close-knit group of “stand by you no matter what” girlfriends, and he was someone I did regular volunteer work with and actually had more in common with.
The problem was the reason for the split: after 28 years of marriage, she came home one day to find him in her bed with a prostitute. Something he confessed he had been doing for 9 years.
Naturally, all the girlfriends circled their wagons and he’s the common enemy. But it feels weird- what he did was wrong of course, but it’s not my fight. It didn’t have anything to do with the connection we had. But out of loyalty to my girlfriend, I no longer have anything to do with him.
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That sucks! I am so fortunate that I have never had a friend/relationship end because of infidelity. I would really have a hard time with that. I can’t imagine what an uncomfortable and awkward position that is.
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